I was directed to an article in the Daily Mail this week, reporting a mother’s concern about what her teenage daughter chose to wear to her 14th birthday party and luckily, as I have no imagination, the Mail helpfully published a photo of what a teenage girl actually looks like in tiny gold lame shorts. Thanks guys!
I felt for the mother and her confusion – she was upset that other girls were calling her daughter a slut, but she couldn’t help thinking they were right. This summed up for me the dilemma we parents face these days in a culture which pressurises our daughters to always look ‘hot’ and then damns them if they do, and puts the blame on them if they suffer any sexual assault, for dressing ‘too provocatively’. We are left with the task of giving our daughters two conflicting messages,
1. sexual assault is never your fault no matter what you are wearing
2. but please don’t dress like a slut
Our daughters are merely reflecting the highly sexualised culture in which they are growing up, so let’s empower them to navigate that culture with intelligence rather than allowing it to unconsciously influence their choices.
First of course, we have to get unconfused ourselves. Then we can confidently have those day-to-day What Your Clothes Say About You conversations in a ‘this is a really interesting subject’ tone of voice, rather than an ‘oh my god you’re not going out looking like that’ tone.
So here’s a summing up of the conversations I’m having with my daughter…
There is a difference between ‘sexy’ (good!) and ‘sexualised’ (eeeurgh..!) and we all instinctively know the difference when we see it. The first one is a mixture of looks, clothes, style, personality, character, humour, individuality…. etc etc, and the second is ONLY YOUR BODY. The first is empowering because it’s you as a whole person, the second is degrading because it’s ONLY YOUR BODY.
‘Sexy’ keeps the power with you, ‘sexualised’ hands it over to the other person. ‘Sexy’ feels good, ‘sexualised’ diminishes, reduces and inhibits.
The first sends out the message ‘I am confident in myself’, the second sends out the message ‘I am desperate for the sexual attention of boys’. That’s not a good look. The first is way cooler.
It’s fine to dress with the boy you fancy in mind but also be aware that the boys you definitely DON’T fancy will be looking at you too (eeeurgh..!)
You wouldn’t fancy a boy who was a tart, so the boy who gets the honour of your fancying bestowed on him probably wouldn’t fancy a girl he thought was a tart either.
Once you set the bar to ‘very revealing’ it’s really hard to get it down again, and you will trap yourself into having to continue wearing clothes like that just to feel good. Anything less will start to feel dowdy.
Although in your culture the media everywhere you look sells you the message that ‘sexualised’ is good, remember that the media is mostly controlled by middle-aged and old men (eeeurgh..!). Go for self-expression, not ‘sleazy tabloid culture’-expression.
And of course, never go near a Daily Mail photographer.
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